an open letter to you, picasa...

it's been a while. i think i saw you a couple of times on the road, but i could never really be sure. i never could decide if i really did see you or i just wanted to believe it was you.

i wonder how you're doing-- i wonder all the time. i probably wonder too much for my own good, but i can't still help wondering. as for me, i've been pretty much keeping it all duct taped together--- most of the time i'm pretty well functional, sometimes i even seem to be pretty happy, so for that i'm a little impressed with myself. it's necessary, you know, because i can't go to work and be a wreck because you know holly would start asking questions after a while, and that's the last thing i can let her do. i've only had a couple of questions about you overall, so that helps too.

sometimes i don't have to fake it. it was much easier before it got so hot-- i could take a book to the LSU Lakes and sit and read with a cooler of killian's beside me. i read a john lennon biography by that lake, and i picked up 'visions of cody' again by that lake. that only lasted a couple of weeks though, then it just got too hot to concentrate on anything. you know i can't stand to be hot. or cold, for that matter. anyway.

i've kept reading all this time. i finished off that kennedy biography, i finished off my jimi hendrix biography, read that john lennon biography i told you about, and i finally muddled through 'visions of cody'. you should try to read that if you want to see kerouac at his most enlightened and confusing. it would get to the point where i'd read 20 pages of incoherent shit and then, all of a sudden, he'd throw out one single line in all that mess that just kicked my teeth down my throat. and then i remembered why i love jack so much-- those single little diamonds hidden, buried, underneath what was really him.

i've read a few other books too-- 'the raw shark texts' for one. i didn't read that at the right time, and it rattled me at times, but it was a good read otherwise. i've tried re-reading 'siddartha' just to try and find the river again, but i just can't for now. it's too soon, i think. i haven't abandoned the river at all-- much the opposite-- but the whole vishnu/river/tao still only reminds me of you rather than the peace it offers. just too soon. although i picked up 'the tao of willie' the other day (willie nelson), and in the few pages i've glanced through, i think it'll end up being something i'll read and re-read for years.

the evil cats are still the evil cats, both perched on their respective ends of the couch, like normal. funny to see them interact with people who've come over lately-- they aren't nearly as receptive to them. christi flew in for a week (i know, a week-- aren't you proud i made it that long?) and we had a good visit. the cats got used to her, but they didn't act like they did around you. not that i expected it, but i was curious to see, anyway. we went to nola on her last day, but i couldn't take her to cafe beignet. we walked by that one on bourbon-- you know, the one that we never could find to save our lives until the very end-- but by the time we walked by, the tarot readers were set up, and i steered clear of them so they wouldn't pack up and run away. we did go to rev. zombie's, and i think hope was doing readings, but i didn't set one up. the timing was off, and i really didn't want to hear what she might say.

christi and i had a good time while she was here. she's hooked up with this guy named mac in florida, and he's a tattoo artist and a hell of a guy. her birthday is in october, and i'm going to have him do my lizard king tattoo-- that's what i've finally decided on. it all begins and ends with morrison. no surprise there.

i've seen a few other kick ass movies that you should probably watch sometime. 'into the wild' brought me to tears, and i've wanted to just disappear into alaska ever since. see that one, for sure. 'no country for old men' was kick ass as well. i've watched 'eternal sunshine' a dozen times in the past few months, but it doesn't help. i saw 'immortal beloved'-- a movie about beethoven and his immortal beloved. that really killed me. when i told meryl about it, she thought it affected me so much because of her-- pretty funny now, isn't it? oh yeah, you don't know that she and i are friends again. that's a long story, but to shorten it, she admitted that we were a disaster and that our 'relationship' was her fault. and when she asked for forgiveness, what could i do? hell, we know i fuck up too much to not forgive someone who asks. she's seeing a guy in new orleans, and she seems to really like him. i'm not sold yet, but i hope it works out for her.

i guess you know what this weekend is-- art melt. and i guess you remember what we said about art melt-- it was supposed to be our going public party. so of course i can't be anywhere near downtown this weekend-- and because i know you're probably going to be down there, praying that we don't run into each other. i've tried my absolute best to avoid any possible run-ins with you just because i don't want there to be any drama or questions.

melissa will be having her baby soon-- they're naming her 'aislinn violet'. i'm going to call her piper. ohohohoh, shanna had her baby this morning! she had a girl (i was convinced it was a boy), named 'emory elizabeth'. she sounded so relieved and happy. lila is back-- her dad died, i don't know if you knew that-- and i guess she's about to have the babies any day now. chauvin is showing now. we have a new paralegal who started last week. i think her name is sunny. oh wait, you didn't know i started working for shelly some too. that's a long story that really isn't that interesting, but i think i'll eventually transition over there once forrester shuts it down.

i have the re-pete this weekend. she's grown so much, even over the past couple of months. she's asked about you a couple of times, and i've skirted around it, as much as i've hated to. i've started telling her the family history and how we've all learned to rise above it, and she seems to be absorbing it pretty well. she still hasn't asked many questions (her father's daughter), but i've told her how important it is for me to have her know the whole thing, no holes barred. buring the past and keeping secrets are other parts of the family history that i've going to break.

on a completely random note, i've started watching the showtime series 'weeds', and i love it. one more relationship with a show that i resisted without success.

i listen to your songs all the time-- i have them on right now, as a matter of fact. the cure just played-- did you see them in atlanta like you planned? don't think i didn't think of that during that whole weekend.

i've typed a thousand words so far and i've not really said anything, have i? truth is, i miss you. i miss you so much. i miss being in a coffee shop with you. i miss sitting alone with you. i miss 3 am conversations. i miss parking lots. i miss evil stumberg. i miss cafe beignet. i miss drunks by the supreme court. i miss our music. i miss our words. i miss couch time. i miss being able to be me. i miss you being able to be you. i miss us. i miss your hand on my face. i miss it all.

i know there was no choice; i know there were no options. that's the only thing that's kept me away. i could never put you or the kids at risk, so the only thing i've allowed myself to do is just stay under the radar and pray to vishnu that y'all don't pass me on the street. the last thing i want to do is make the situation more complicated or more tenuous for you. because of that, i've gone underground as much as i can.

this isn't helping-- actually it's making it worse. i just hope you're ok. i love you. there will never be anyone i love like i love you.