i started and stopped this letter a few times now, and i can't quite figure out how i want to start this. i could go into a thousand words or more about what i'm going to do, or i could just say what i'm going to do. i'm letting you go. i have to just put you in a box and put you on my shelf. you're not coming back, and even if you tried, i can't take you back. it's really just that simple.
i realized i had to do this while talking to celia--- and it came out at random that you need to be your children's mother much more than you need to be my girlfriend, wife, or unwife. i don't like the effect that the past handful of days has had on me. my mind has spiraled to topics that i won't even share with my closest friends. i've thought of a hundred ways to talk to you, get a message to you, communicate with you, but it would only throw kerosene on the campfire. it would only be exactly what my father would do-- or at least the first step he'd take. i don't like that person. that person is the template for who i don't want to be, and over the last few months, i've been fighting that person because i see you everywhere. i've gradually weakened to the point where i'm susceptible, and i just can't have it-- too many people, especially our children, don't deserve it.
so here's what i have to do. i have to put your books away. i can't listen to your music anymore. in my life before you, i had jim. i had jack. i had john/paul/george/ringo (of course i like john the best). i had mazzy. i had ryan. maybe i wasn't happy all the time, but who really is? we both discovered the river at roughly the same time, but this is where our rivers fork. i have to go left, and you have to go some other direction.
so i suppose that's pretty much it. i hope you're always able to dance where the stars go blue. maybe i'll meet you again in another life. don't worry, i'll recognize you. i'll always love you, but i hope i never see you again. for both our sakes.
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3 comments:
I have stood where you stand. I assure you, once you get through it, no matter what happens -- even if they come back -- once you have come out standing on the other side of this, you will never be so vulnerable again. Love, like energy, is neither created nor destroyed -- it only takes different form. Once you have learned to truly let go -- with forgiveness and with absolutely no expectations -- great things will happen. They may not be the great things you thought you could not live without, but you may find that they are great things without which you cannot truly live.
There is a peace and freedom in letting go. I know how hard this is, how hard-won these great and little victories, and I also know that there is absolutely no better honing tool in one's arsenal than sheer survival. What doesn't kill us truly makes us stronger and better. No suffering is purposeless, but many people waste it.
Suffering is underrated. Some of its rare byproducts cannot be otherwise obtained. We're too quick to step on our bad feelings without accepting them as rare (if unwelcome) opportunities.
Whether you see it or not, you have been challenged to grow through this, and you are stepping up to the challenge with strength, courage and grace. I'm proud of you.
I have to say that I am a little choked up right now. I haven't heard you sound like that since......well you know. I am proud of you:)
I have to say I am a little choked up right now. I haven't heard you sound like that since.... well, you know. I'm proud of you:)
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